By Scott Glassman, PsyD
Director of PCOM's Master of Applied Positive Psychology program
In an election season, it can be easy to forget the values of civility, empathy, and open-mindedness. Personal attacks and fear-based communication in political discourse are nothing new, but we’ve seen how they can raise emotional temperatures, divide people, and block the kind of conversations that foster understanding.
According to political theorist Teresa Bejan, civility is not simply about being polite, but a virtue that allows us to discuss and resolve differences without resorting to aggression and verbal violence. In her book Mere Civility, Bejan points out that we are more likely to succumb to a “war of words” when debating issues that are fundamental to our world view or identity. This kind of vitriol can destroy our bonds with each other and weaken our ability to work together to solve the world’s most pressing problems.
Positive psychology offers some useful ways we can push back against the tide of polarization and division. It begins with changing how we disagree with each other. First, we need to recognize the benefits of having more respectful dialogues, especially about complex, emotionally charged issues. Those benefits include personal growth, emotional intelligence, social harmony, and civic engagement. Keeping these benefits in mind can increase our motivation to restrain confrontational impulses.
Additionally, holding a general intention to connect and understand can mitigate the tendency to slip into “fight mode” in the presence of competing ideologies. Self-talk becomes a vital tool. For example, you might come prepared to discuss a hot-button issue with thoughts like, “It’s challenging, but I’m going to do my best to listen here” or “My goal is to protect our relationship despite sharp differences in opinion.”
Mindfulness can help build this buffer zone. By calmly watching our own thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations when encountering ideas that clash with our own, we can make better decisions in the moment and choose our words more carefully. In a state of gentle detachment, we are less likely to make inflammatory statements. Our tone and body language will be less threatening. One way to reach a place of greater balance is to shift attention to the breath for 10 to 15 seconds. This “breathing break” interrupts emotional reactivity, creating space for a more thoughtful, respectful, and self-aware response.
Public campaigns that emphasize the importance of civility may be useful in establishing a new mindful norm for political conversations. For example, the Foundation for a Better Life’s “A house divided…cannot stand” billboard featuring Abraham Lincoln optimistically reminds the public that “civility is in you.” Another billboard promoting kindness with Dolly Parton asks that we “see the good in everyone.” A greater number of messages like these could be directly tailored to political communication, emphasizing the advantages of unity to the broader public.
"Although not often mentioned in the context of heated political rhetoric, compassion becomes all the more necessary if we don’t want to find ourselves trapped in opposition, confined to a house that can no longer stand."
Dr. Scott Glassman
Along these lines, the National Governors Association started an initiative called Disagree Better which helps citizens make positive contact, find common ground, and show curiosity to reduce hate. It encourages a commitment to “listen first” where someone listens to understand another person’s perspective at a deeper level versus listening superficially as a bridge to speaking.
In the Master of Applied Positive Psychology program at PCOM, students complete a full course in Motivational Interviewing (MI) that teaches the attitude and skills of empathic communication. The course offers substantial practice in reflecting back what is heard in a conversation at three levels: feeling, meaning, and the broader implication for that person’s life. Students also learn about the surrounding MI spirit of communication. Demonstrating MI spirit means that you value the other person unconditionally regardless of whether you agree with them. That spirit is strengthened through reflective listening and affirmation, the verbal acknowledgment of the other person’s positive attributes. With both its attitudinal stance and techniques, MI shows great promise as an option for defusing divisive political conversations and preventing escalation.
Another step toward reducing acrimony in our political conversations may involve changing our media consumption. A 2023 survey found that 82% of American adults who follow political news rate the content as mostly negative. When political polarization is amplified in the media, we may feel more dislike for those whose views we see as extreme and antithetical to our own. Social contagion research further indicates that viewing negative posts on social media increases our tendency to share that content, especially when the source is a public figure. For many of us then, taking in a large volume of negative news content over extended periods of time can have a corrosive effect on our patterns of thinking, feeling, and interacting–and on our overall emotional well-being. To reduce the temptation of “doomscrolling” on sites like X (formerly known as Twitter), where 33% of posts are political, you might want to curate your feed by muting or unfollowing sources of negative political content while simultaneously increasing follows of positive apolitical content.
While reshaping our media intake habits can lower negative reactivity, civility also requires a greater commitment to curiosity and open-mindedness. Curiosity describes a genuine positive interest we have in another person’s life and point of view, whereas open-mindedness refers to our willingness to withhold judgment as we learn about that person or their viewpoint. These qualities complement each other. When it comes to creating a more civil world, we need to be both curious and open-minded in order to listen deeply, which in turn can help us preserve social bonds in the midst of disagreement.
To strengthen curiosity and open-mindedness in political conversations, it would be helpful to avoid the use of labels. A label, even one as seemingly neutral as one’s party affiliation, carries associated meanings that can constrain our openness to new information about that individual. “Seeing someone beyond the label” may need to become a daily practice in election season, since it runs against our habit of using cognitive short-cuts to efficiently sort through large quantities of fast-moving information. Before starting what might turn into a contentious, label-filled conversation, we can ask ourselves questions like “What’s a common value we share?” or “What’s one thing I don’t know about this person that helped shape who they are?” Curiosity itself brings its own well-being benefits, including feelings of closeness, positive emotions, life satisfaction, and lower levels of anxiety.
As we look out over the tense political landscape, it becomes clear that creating a more civil society will take sustained changes at individual, group, and systemic levels. Acknowledging the benefits of civility and the perils of incivility is a starting point. From there, we can extend our efforts into mindful awareness, public messaging, deep listening, shaping our media use and consumption, and developing our personal strengths of curiosity and open-mindedness. Deborah King, an American health and wellness author, sees a more civil society as a more compassionate society, stating, “Civility is the art and act of caring for others.” Although not often mentioned in the context of heated political rhetoric, compassion becomes all the more necessary if we don’t want to find ourselves trapped in opposition, confined to a house that can no longer stand.
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