The holidays are a stressful time for most people, and that can spill over into family gatherings—especially with relatives whom we don't see eye-to-eye.
PCOM's Scott Glassman, PsyD, Director of the Master of Applied Positive Psychology Program, shares tips for how to reduce stress and avoid potential conflict at family get-togethers. Our advice may help reduce friction between relatives and allow you to better enjoy family holiday time.
Reflect on the topics being discussed by family members and ask yourself, “Why do you see this conversation as difficult?”
When conversation topics hit a nerve for you, it can become an opportunity for insight. For example, a relationship-oriented question like, “Are you dating anyone right now?” could tap into a deeper fear that you will never meet the right person. Acknowledging that this is a concern of yours gives you the chance to practice self-acceptance. You might remind yourself, “Sometimes it just takes time to meet the right person.” As a result, it frees you up emotionally to respond to the question without getting defensive. Of course, your reflection process could also lead you to set a boundary around what you do and don't want to talk about.
Take a step back and ask yourself, “What do I want to achieve from this family gathering?”
When we know we will be stepping into an emotionally charged situation, it can help to have a plan. This could include identifying who you would like to spend the most time talking to, what topics you would most enjoy talking about, and what you would do if you felt upset by something. Writing down our plan down can boost our confidence that things will go smoothly, because we are able to clearly see the specific goals and steps to take in. It gives us a greater sense of control over the outcome. Visualize how you want the gathering and conversations to go, along with your reaction to the feared trouble spots, and you will establish an even clearer path to follow.
Take three deep, calming breaths if you feel yourself getting frustrated during a family function. You may even want to separate yourself from the situation for a minute or two to take those breaths.
Deep breathing activates the part of our nervous system that helps us relax. It also quiets our “fight or flight” stress response. As you take those deep breaths, say something soothing to yourself. This act of self-compassion can further help restore your inner peace. To be most prepared, you may want to have a few self-affirmations ready ahead of time. You could have them on a notecard in your pocket or in the notes section of your phone, easily accessible in case you are so upset they become difficult to remember.
After the family gathering or difficult conversation, take 15 minutes to evaluate how well your strategies worked and explore what may need some revision.
We often leave out the evaluation step when we put a plan into action, thinking, “Phew. Glad that's over. On to the next thing.” If we skip the evaluation step, we miss an opportunity to become even more effective when facing similar challenges in the future. Processing the event can be as simple as asking yourself if there is anything you have learned from this interaction that you did not know before.
We tend to pay more attention to things that don't go well. This is part of the negativity bias. That's why, as a final step, it would be valuable to review the event in your mind and spotlight the good things about it. After all, even at the most stressful family get-togethers, there usually is something that was enjoyable or meaningful.
For example, when you think about a disagreement you had with a relative, you could also consider if you shared any common ground—even if it was around another topic. The more we search for and highlight the good aspects of our interactions, the stronger our relationships are likely to become. The reason is that “seeing the good” generates the desire in us to create more rewarding moments with the people in our lives. What you once may have thought about with dread now becomes a source of optimism and connection.
The fully online Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program provides training and knowledge in the areas of positive psychology, clinical health psychology and health behavior change. Our program is designed to develop leaders, practitioners and counselors who are well-equipped to foster compassion and achievement in communities, businesses, schools and clinics.
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