When you are going through something painful in life, what attitude do you take toward yourself? Do you respond with self-criticism, non-acceptance, and a demanding push forward? Or do you treat yourself with self-kindness, care, and understanding?
Your answers to these questions may very well indicate how self-compassionate you are, which can have a profound effect on your overall sense of well-being. A number of studies, in fact, show that self-compassion contributes to positive mood, stronger relationships, adaptive coping, personal growth, and happiness.
Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading researchers on self-compassion, has defined self-compassion from a Buddhist perspective in the Theravada tradition, the predominant form of Buddhism practiced in Southeast Asia. Drawing from this tradition, Neff has described three main components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.
When we are mindful in the face of challenging life events, we meet those experiences with curiosity and acceptance rather than overidentifying with them. Common humanity refers to the recognition that suffering is a universally experienced part of life. Self-kindness means that we respond to our suffering with warmth and understanding.
Based on Neff’s model, practicing self-compassion means being a gentle observer of our daily experiences, seeing we are not alone in our pain, and responding to life’s difficulty with warmth versus self-criticism.
While these concepts are relatively straightforward, you might wonder, what can I actually do to become more self-compassionate?
Dr. Neff offers eight exercises to increase your skill in bringing compassion inward through your thoughts and feelings, as well as expressing it outwardly through your actions. Some exercises help you develop greater insight into the source of your self-criticism and guide you in generating kinder, more encouraging self-talk.
For example, in the exercise “How would you treat a friend?”, you are asked to write about how you would support a close friend who was going through a tough time. You compare this approach to how you typically talk to yourself when struggling, reflecting on the reasons for any differences. Neff then invites you to examine the benefits of treating yourself like a close friend. As a last step, you are encouraged to start acting in this way toward yourself.
Another exercise for quieting the inner critic involves writing a letter to yourself from a loving imaginary friend. This friend not only sees all your strengths and weaknesses, but also understands all the circumstances that have led you to be who you are in this moment. You would try to keep in mind any perceived personal inadequacies as you write this letter, allowing this friend to speak in compassionate ways about those so-called “flaws.”
One exercise, titled “Self-compassion break,” helps you access each of the three core self-compassion domains as you navigate through a stressful situation. While thinking of that situation, you would say to yourself “This is a moment of suffering,” “Suffering is a part of life,” and “May I be kind to myself.” Neff offers variations of these statements within each of the three categories: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Before the self-kindness mantra, you are encouraged to put your hands over your heart or bring soothing touch into your awareness in any way you choose.
Negative beliefs about self-compassion can block or undermine these practices, preventing you from enjoying the benefits. For example, if you equate self-compassion with weakness or see it as unnecessary coddling, you may feel much less inclined to try them.
One solution would be to write about those beliefs. See if you can identify where they came from. Did they arise based on early childhood experiences? Did you absorb them from the beliefs of family members or other important figures in your life?
Next, you would want to evaluate the evidence for and against those beliefs. It could be that while they protected you in some way or served a functional role for you when you were younger, they no longer have validity for you as an adult. The cultural context and role of those beliefs are important to consider as well.
Neff’s research shows that self-compassion’s prevalence, meaning, and value can vary by culture. For example, in one cross-cultural study, she found that interdependence was linked to self-compassion in Thailand only. In contrast, independence was linked to self-compassion in Taiwan and the United States. Thai students showed the highest levels of compassion in this study relative to students in the United States and Taiwan.
Dr. Steven Hickman, former executive director of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, teaches students in the Master of Applied Positive Psychology Program how self-compassion is a foundational part of mindfulness practice. They focus both on compassion for others and self-compassion during the course “Mindfulness, Positive Emotions, and Well-Being,” strengthening their personal practice while also learning to guide others.
Additionally, in the final week of A Happier You, MAPP students work with loving-kindness meditations that help expand the giving and receiving of compassion, especially toward themselves. In this way, positive psychology at PCOM serves as a natural “home” for better understanding how self-compassion contributes to human flourishing and a “best life” model of well-being.
As a graduate of PCOM’s Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program, you will develop skills in helping individuals, families, communities and organizations flourish. Take the first step toward an exciting and rewarding career that embraces wellness, life satisfaction and optimal functioning.
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